is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
