I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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