we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
