i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
