I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
