I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
