hotel room ftw
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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