I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
