Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize