We got so high we made milksteak
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
