Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's shark week go big or go home
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize