I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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