I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
