you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
