OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
