So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
