I'm going to jail i love you
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Randomize
