i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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