I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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