after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
