I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
