I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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