You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
