cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
