Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
