Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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