I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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