all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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