Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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