but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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