We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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