Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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