His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
