Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
