i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
