I am in a vortex of obligation.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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