The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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