i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
