I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Randomize
