I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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