it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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