Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
