Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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