I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
