could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
