i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
