My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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