wanna go halves on a baby?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
