I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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