Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
