The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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