We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
