Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
