I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize