this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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