I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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