I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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