after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
two words...techno handjob
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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