I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
